Would You Kiss Yourself?
by LaChoy
Summary: A fight goes weird and a clone of Soubi stays behind. A clone that really wants in Soubi's pants. Soubi's amused and Ritsuka's jealous. CRACK. For Val-Creative.


**Disclaimer: If I owned Loveless, I wouldn't be writing stories like this. Seriously.**

**For:** Val. I'm sorry this is two days late, but I had really bad writer's block and then got really busy suddenly! Happy belated Birthday! I hope you had an awesome day and I love you tons. You're an amazing friend. I hope you remember the joke you made about Soubi/Soubi and will love this.

* * *

It had all started with a team called Cloned challenging them. Soubi had actually seemed worried and so that had worried Ritsuka in return. When it came to fighting, Soubi was always confident. If he was actually concerned, then just what was this team about?

His questions were answered quickly enough when suddenly, there were two Soubis. The clone (now the name made sense) attacked them without Cloned's fighter having to say much at all. Ritsuka had been scared they would lose and he had suffered a lot of cuts and bruises, but Soubi won. Soubi always won.

But the cloned Soubi stayed. The real Soubi stared at it and then looked to the defeated unit.

"Why is this still here?"

The girl, Kaname, frowned. "I don't know. They usually disappear after the fight is done with." With a glare, she yelled a her fighter. "Kusami! You're the one who made him. Make him go away."

Kusami, who looked like he just wanted to go home and sleep, scowled at the clone. "_One was two and now one is one_."

The clone blinked and then smiled.

"That sounds so silly~"

Ritsuka shuddered. Soubi--even cloned-- should never, under any circumstances, say things like that. Soubi looked like he agreed as he frowned and walked a little closer to Ritsuka, something he did when he was growing nervous.

"Get this thing out of here!" Ritsuka yelled, growing more and more disturbed as the clone began humming some happy tune to himself.

"That should have done it!" Kusami shouted back. "This hasn't happened before!"

Kaname groaned, her fingers going through her hair in an aggravated manner. "Great. We lose and then we lose even more because a certain someone can't even make a clone right."

"I made him right! He's standing right there, isn't he? Don't start insulting my fighting!"

Before they could argue anymore, Soubi coughed and that was when they noticed that the clone had snuggled up to Soubi with a purr. Ritsuka's face turned red and when he turned around to tell more at Cloned, they had disappeared. They had given them the pleasure of dealing with this and had run. Just great.

"You're pretty," Cloned Soubi said as he rubbed his face against the real Soubi's jacket. "Can we make love?"

Soubi frowned more. "For a clone that was just now trying to kill us, you're being very friendly."

"_Too_ friendly," Ritsuka added in and Soubi was happy to hear there was a little jealousy detected in Ritsuka's voice. At least there seemed to be some good from this. Ritsuka was cute when he was jealous.

Cloned Soubi pouted. "Being a clone isn't any fun! They always make me fight even though I don't want to! The words make me do it! I really want to just play with everybody so I didn't go back this time. Which is really good, don't you think? You and me can kiss!" He leaned towards Soubi, puckering up his lips in a very over exaggerated way.

Soubi put his hand on the clone's face, blocking the kiss. "No unnecessary touching, please."

"But that's no fun!"

Even though it was a clone, even though Ritsuka knew this, it was still unsettling to see someone like Soubi acting that way. So peppy and smiling like an idiot. It wasn't right. Especially since the clone seemed to want more than just friendship from Soubi. Which was just wrong on so many levels.

"I can't do anything unless my master says that I can." Soubi's gaze turned to Ritsuka and then so did the clone's. Ritsuka's ears twitched and his tail started to swish back and forth in aggravation.

"Tell him to have sex with me!" The clone ordered. He had moved closer to Soubi, his body was too close and it made Ritsuka's ears twitch more.

"I'm not going to go say Soubi can have sex!"

"So you can have him for yourself?" The other Soubi asked, his eyes turning into a cold glare. "You can't be selfish and keep someone so pretty all to yourself! It's not fair for someone so sad like me who has no life outside of fighting! Think of who deserves this!"

"N-no!" Ritsuka's entire face was red now. He was embarrassed and angry and still very bothered by the clone. "It's just not my right to say who Soubi can have sex with! He's an adult. That's his decision. He can have sex with anybody he wants!"

Soubi couldn't help but smile. He'd known Ritsuka long enough that he knew the poor boy really didn't want him to have sex with the clone. He was too young and immature to say it.

"Yay!" The clone cheered and he kissed Soubi's cheek. "I can finally have some fun!"

"Ritsuka, I really can have sex with this clone?" Soubi asked, taking the cheek of the clone to push their faces closer. This would result in him kissing himself, but he'd done worse and kissed worse. This was really almost nothing.

Ritsuka looked away, arms crossed across his chest. He was okay with it. It wasn't like he didn't have a reason not to be okay with it. As much as Soubi said he was his, he wasn't. Soubi was his own person, free to do what he wanted. Have sex with who he wanted. Even if it was with a clone and Ritsuka was just a _little_ unhappy with it. He could even admit it irritated him, the idea of Soubi kissing and having sex with the clone.

But it was ridiculous and so--

Anything else he thought was thrown away when Soubi really did kiss the clone. Not even anything innocent, like most of the kisses they shared. This was a real kiss. There wasn't any tongue involved, but--no, now there was and the clone was moaning.

Ritsuka frowned and when Soubi and the clone parted, a visible link of saliva still connected them and Ritsuka wanted to say something about how disgusting that was because seriously, it was.

"Hmm, I kissed myself," Soubi commented, actually seeming amused at it and if Ritsuka knew anything, Soubi probably _was_ amused. He was a weirdo. The kind of sick freak who would like kissing himself.

The clone giggled and snuggled up closer to Soubi. "Was that as magical for you as it was for me?"

Soubi frowned along with Ritsuka. "That was a little too corny."

Ritsuka groaned when Soubi leaned back in for another kiss anyway, this one more heated as Soubi put his fingers in the other's hair and the boy worried about the fact they were out in public. Though they were in some abandoned field and how did they always end up in a place without anybody around anyway? It was so _convenient_.

His thoughts about such unlikely situations were interrupted when the clone mewled and Ritsuka's first thought was he was too young to see this. Actually, he would always be too young to ever see Soubi making out with himself. There would never be a time where this sort of thing would be right.

"I-I order you to stop, Soubi!"

Soubi minded the order and the cloned Soubi whined.

"But that was fun! You taste like ice cream!"

"It was what Ritsuka and I were eating before Cloned showed up."

"Who cares!" Ritsuka broke up the conversation before the clone thought it would be fun to say anything else. He was starting to really dislike that double. "What matters is that it's almost time for my curfew and Soubi needs to walk me home. It isn't as if I was actually jealous or anything." Ritsuka ignored Soubi's pleased smile. "But I just need to go home and I need Soubi to walk me home."

Cloned Soubi glared at Ritsuka, holding onto Soubi tighter. "I don't like you!"

Ritsuka turned away and waited for Soubi to finish up with the clone. Soubi would follow the order.

Soubi was happy that his half thought-out plan had worked pretty well. The only downside to this was that kissing himself had been a little fun. Not the worst kiss he'd ever experienced. Also, he was kind of cute too when he was pouting like that. It was almost unfortunate that he couldn't just keep the clone, but he had a feeling if he attempted to, Ritsuka would order him out anyway. If not Ritsuka, then how could he explain the clone to Kio? There was no way he could keep his clone.

"You're not going to listen to that brat, are you?"

"First of all, don't call Ritsuka a brat." Soubi could imagine a pleased smile on Ritsuka's face. "Ritsuka is my master. I must obey his commands. If he tells me I must walk him home, I must. These are the rules that I live by."

The clone seemed sadder and when a lone tear fell down his cheeks, he quickly wiped it away. "Why don't I ever get good things? It's not fair." He sniffled a few times and Soubi actually did feel some remorse for the poor clone. "But--but…I'll always remember you, pretty." He leaned forward to give Soubi one more kiss and with that, he was gone. Soubi sighed and Ritsuka took that as a sign he could turn around now.

"That was just weird. You kissed _yourself_. I can't believe you went that far!"

Soubi only smiled and wrapped an arm around Ritsuka's shoulders, who brushed it off just as quickly as it had come onto his arm.

"One popular question is: would you ever have sex with yourself if you were cloned? I never did give my answer to that question."

From that day on, Soubi took the spot as the most weirdest person Ritsuka had ever known.


End file.
